Get ready to BLADE RUN
Breaking news: the trailer for the upcoming Blade Runner sequel and/or prequel has been leaked online.
VO: He was hired to eliminate the replicants…
(slow-mo shot of Harrison Ford drawing revolver from trenchcoat)
VO: This was not called “killing”. This was called “retiring”.
(slow-mo shot of Rutger Hauer dying in the rain)
VO: But what he wasn’t ready for…
(close up of Harrison Ford’s furrowed brow)
VO: …is the NEXT generation of replicants!
(record scratch noise. CGI baby pulls down sunglasses on bridge of nose, smirks, raises eyebrow)
Baby Replicant: Heh. You were expecting Darryl Hannah?
(“Walking on Sunshine” covered by Smash Mouth starts playing, montage of babies getting into trouble: spilling chocolate sauce, slapping an ostrich, trying on adult clothing, etc)
VO: Now THIS Blade Runner…
(Baby squirts toothpaste tube at Harrison Ford, who squints and spits)
VO: Is in for a “retirement”…
(Baby Girl Replicant holds up hand) Baby Girl Replicant: Talk to the bioengineered expiry-enforced hand!
VO: … he’ll never forget!
(shot of Harrison Ford covered in flour, shaking both fists and shouting at the ceiling)
Harrison Ford: BABY REPLICAAAANNNNTS!!!!
VO: This summer….
(shot of Baby Replicants driving a taxi)
VO: Get ready to BLADE RUN!
Baby Replicant: I thought you said you knew how to drive this thing!
Wizened Asian Man: I should have made you some better eyes!
(taxi turns corner, knocks over fruit stand, chickens fly out in a panic)
Baby Replicants: WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
VO: Blade Runner Kids! Coming soon to theatres everywhere!
(CGI graphic appears on screen: “In Disney Digital 3-D”)
I did not write this, but it was too goddamn hilarious not to share.