Get ready to BLADE RUN


Breaking news: the trailer for the upcoming Blade Runner sequel and/or prequel has been leaked online.

VO: He was hired to eliminate the replicants…

(slow-mo shot of Harrison Ford drawing revolver from trenchcoat)

VO: This was not called “killing”. This was called “retiring”.

(slow-mo shot of Rutger Hauer dying in the rain)

VO: But what he wasn’t ready for…

(close up of Harrison Ford’s furrowed brow)

VO: …is the NEXT generation of replicants!

(record scratch noise. CGI baby pulls down sunglasses on bridge of nose, smirks, raises eyebrow)

Baby Replicant: Heh. You were expecting Darryl Hannah?

(“Walking on Sunshine” covered by Smash Mouth starts playing, montage of babies getting into trouble: spilling chocolate sauce, slapping an ostrich, trying on adult clothing, etc)

VO: Now THIS Blade Runner…

(Baby squirts toothpaste tube at Harrison Ford, who squints and spits)

VO: Is in for a “retirement”…

(Baby Girl Replicant holds up hand) Baby Girl Replicant: Talk to the bioengineered expiry-enforced hand!

VO: … he’ll never forget!

(shot of Harrison Ford covered in flour, shaking both fists and shouting at the ceiling)


VO: This summer….

(shot of Baby Replicants driving a taxi)

VO: Get ready to BLADE RUN!

Baby Replicant: I thought you said you knew how to drive this thing!

Wizened Asian Man: I should have made you some better eyes!

(taxi turns corner, knocks over fruit stand, chickens fly out in a panic)


VO: Blade Runner Kids! Coming soon to theatres everywhere!

(CGI graphic appears on screen: “In Disney Digital 3-D”)

I did not write this, but it was too goddamn hilarious not to share.